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"The Return of the Regulars" Monday, 24-Jul-2000 22:52:07
We join the weekly Lair Legion staff meeting, already in progress… "In other news…" Troia reported, reading from her clipboard, "The Dark Knight reports that the universe itself might fold up and cease to exist when Messenger dies." "Really? Good for him." Visionary replied wearily, "You know, when I die, I'll just get buried in a press-board coffin and Cheryl will get fifty scratch-and-win Keno tickets." "Hey, we're saving a bundle on life insurance, and you're the one who wanted me to find a way to reduce expenses" the Amazonian executive assistant answered with a shrug. "Well, as long as we're on the subject, why don't you upgrade the LL health insurance policies at least" Lisa suggested. "I'm not terribly picky myself, but others might not mind if their next medical exam was performed by a doctor who was educated somewhere other than the Caribbean." Troia tapped her pen to her pursed lips. "I suppose we could always cut back the jet-fuel expenses." "We have a jet?" Visionary asked curiously. "Really?" "The hanger is just west of the submarine pen." "We have a sub?" "Nevermind" Troia sighed. "There's also been multiple requests for a new mansion chef… Apparently people are not totally comfortable with the idea of Flapjack handling their food." "Um… okay" Visionary said, making a note. He didn't eat here anyway, but he could definitely see their point. "Anything else?" "That's enough for tonight, I think" Cheryl answered. "Why don't you let Troia go on home… Lisa and I have something we'd like to run by you." After the Amazon had gathered her spear, wished them a good night and happily departed for her new apartment, Lisa and Cheryl sat in the chairs opposite the desk and handed Visionary a piece of paper. "It's your resignation" Lisa noted. "The one that kept disappearing." Actually, it was his fifth resignation, but now was not the time to split hairs. "Wait a minute!" Visionary said with a note of strangled hope in his voice. "Does this mean…" "I'm sorry" Lisa said with a grin. "We're going to have to let you go." Visionary looked at the two of them, his eyes brimming with joy, and his hand leapt to the intercom button. "Flapjack! Bring up a bottle of our best champagne!!! We're celebrating!!!" "Right-O, boss" the hunchbacked minion replied. "I know just the vintage… used to work in a vineyard back in my youth. I'll bring you and the ladies a bottle I squeezed myself!" "Um… right…" Visionary said, holding the button down. "Yes… um, cancel that order… uh… false alarm. Thank you." . He turned back to the two women. "You… you really mean it? I’m free?" "Well dear, there is one little catch…" Cheryl said, nodding as Lisa produced another sheet of paper. "Look at the last number in the right-hand column." Visionary did. It was a very, very long number. "Um… do I want to know what this is?" "No" Lisa said happily. "It's the amount we could conceivably be sued for once we're out of the protection of Amendment 27-G of the legislation commonly known as the Public Super Heroes Act." Visionary's heart rapidly sank. It was, after all, a very long number. "Surely this can't be right…" "Ask yourself this… " Lisa said brightly. "Just how much property damage has occurred due to conflicts during your term as LL leader? You really should be careful about which reports you sign your name to…" "But… but… You were leader too! Even before I was!" "Why do you think I'm still around?" she shrugged. "As soon as a member leaves the governmentally-charted Legion, they lose all immunity from civil lawsuits resulting from their actions as heroes." "But… but… then nobody could retire!" Visionary pointed out indignantly. "Yes… I think that’s what the government had in mind." Lisa nodded happily. "Jarvis signed off on the deal without batting an eye, but then retirement was never in his plans." Visionary stared at her in shock. "You let him agree to something like that?!" "Being the country's #1 super hero team made him happy…" she noted with a sly smile, "And I could always talk him into trying interesting new things when he was happy." That was a train of thought he didn't particularly want to pursue. "But other people have left the Lair Legion…" "Hmmmm?" she asked, shaking herself from a daydream. "Oh, yeah… but then again, they never signed their names to anything important. I was quite specific that the official mission reports include the clause that the Lair Legion Chairman accepts all responsibility for the missions. Only Jarvis, you, and I have ever signed those… and Jarvis already took the easy way to retirement." Visionary stared at her in horror. "You mean we can never leave the Lair Legion?" "Nobody ever said that, dear" Cheryl pointed out with a grin. "After all… there's a loophole to everything, and we have a damn good lawyer." "What am I looking at?" Visionary asked, even though he knew what he was looking at. It was a cardboard box covered in dust and tucked away in the back corner of the mansion's attic between Sersi's hot tub and Starseed's record collection. Inside were various documents. "This one…" Lisa said, pulling out a folder, "contains our copies of all the paperwork pertaining to ownership of the name 'League of Regulars'" she explained, blowing the dust off it and paging through it. "I took the liberty of gaining the copyright after the team was founded… And this here…" she crowed smugly, pulling a specific paper out of the group, "is the team's original license as practicing super heroes!" "Uh-huh" Visionary said, unimpressed. Even on E-bay, he doubted that these musty old documents could bring in more than a hundred bucks… and that other number was just so much bigger. "Look, with Christopher here now, I've got better things to do than sit around the mansion all day waiting for villains to come by and try to kill me" she explained succinctly. "I've no intention of being a civil servant/government stooge/superhero-slave to my country for the rest of my life. I want out… you want out… and this is our ticket." Visionary turned and gave a skeptical look to his wife, but she just nodded at him with a sly glint in her eye. "Try to follow…" Lisa continued, opening a law book, "to qualify for protection under Amendment 27-G of the Public Super Heroes Act, all applicant teams must meet the following conditions: An active license to practice within the state, county and city in which they reside, a manned headquarters within said city, a roster of no less than six established heroes of proven ability (see subsection B, paragraph 5) and a hotline available to all local, state and federal authorities in the area." Visionary looked at her suspiciously. "So? At best, it sounds like we'd be trading an established team for a struggling one… and I really doubt that Pierson's Porter is going to grant any renewals anyway." She held up the document. "Doesn't expire for another two years" she noted with a wicked smile. "But even if we meet all the conditions, how is it any different from our present situation?" Cheryl stepped forward. "Few people even knew about the Regulars, and fewer still remember them… It's very unlikely that a reformed version would be called on to do much" she pointed out. "More to the point" Lisa said, tapping the legal text. "I've gone over all of this very carefully… Back when this was drafted, people assumed that heroes naturally wanted to fight for truth, justice and the American way. As a result, it only says that we need to have this 'hotline'…" She handed him the book and crossed her arms in satisfaction. Visionary glanced at the text and then back to her questioningly. She grinned. "It doesn't say anything about answering it." And so there came a day unlike any other, when some of the Parodyverse's oddest heroes found themselves united against a common lawsuit. On that fateful day, the League of Regulars was reborn-- To fight the foes that no single hero could withstand! But only if one of them were stupid enough to answer the phone. And, to tell the truth, they didn't really do much of anything on that first day. In all honesty, it wasn't until the next morning that the recruitment really began… “So what do you think?” Visionary asked NTU-150 as the armored inventor thoughtfully twirled his dual lens laser torch in his fingers. “Restart the League of Regulars?” NTU said repeating Visionary’s proposal to him. “And why are you guys doing this again?” Visionary’s eyes stared at the ceiling for a moment as he strained to remember clearly the explanation Lisa and Cheryl had provided him for when he would offer some of the older members a slot in the new League. Considering it was explained to him forty-six times, he thought it would be easier to remember than this. “You just want Lisa to give you a new initiation, don’t you? “ NTU teased. “NO!” Visionary gasped. The shock then helped his feeble mind recall the true reason. “Well, you know I’ve been planning to leave the Legion for a while now, but some law kept me from leaving…or rather…it was protecting me from liabilities for the damages that occurred during our battles so if I left, then it wouldn’t protect me anymore,” Visionary explained. “So if you left, you’d have to pay for all the damages we caused?” NTU asked as he playfully switched the laser torch on and off. “Actually, Lisa suggested it might apply to you too, since you've signed for technologies” Visionary clarified. NTU then dropped his laser torch in surprise at this bit of information, effectively cutting his titanium worktable in two. “I knew I made that thing too damn powerful,” he muttered nervously as he picked up the smoking instrument from the scorched floor. His shock was understandable, considering the amount of destruction his weapons had caused during the Legion’s battles. “So if that’s the case, then why would we want to start a new group? Do we want to run up a whole new bill?” NTU said. Visionary just stared blankly at his friend, the answer to NTU’s question stuck somewhere in limbo. Just then, Troia entered the lab with a checklist in hand. “Oh, Enty, Finny told me to tell you that we need that new ion particle generator ready for the upcoming showdown with the Jello Masters,” the Amazonian reminded NTU. “Oh, right,” NTU replied unenthusiastically. He then went to a metal closet beside the remains of his work table and from it took a device that resembled a huge air conditioner with backpack straps. “Here you go,” he said plainly as he handed the generator to Troia “Thanks,” she said cheerfully as she then left the lab. After she had gone, the explanation Visionary had been looking for suddenly popped up in his head. “I remember now! Lisa found out that we still have the rights to the name ‘League of Regulars’ and that there’s this loophole in the law that we can use so that we can get out of superheroing,” Visionary said. “And that loophole is?” NTU wondered. “Uh…oh yeah, we can put up a team and be covered by that law that keep us not liable for damages, but we don’t have to answer the phone!” Visionary proudly explained. “What if I get you to be my lifeline on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Or is that totally out of the question in this new plan of yours?” NTU mused sarcastically. “No! We can still answer the ordinary phone. Lisa said that we just have to have a sort of hotline phone set up to be official. And that’s the phone we don’t answer! So we become sort of an inactive team, freeing us from all responsibilities and dangers and stuff,” Visionary replied. “The thing is, we need at least six members. Lisa’s in because she wants to spend more time with Christopher and Cheryl’s in because I’m really good at begging. I’m planning to ask Donar and Yo too. So if you’re in, then we can do this.” “Well, I don’t know. After all, Bautista Enterprises funds the Legion and I can’t just cut them off. And you know inventing is my life. I’m not exactly dying to stop working on new technological creations.” Before NTU could continue, Troia suddenly burst into the lab. “Sorry to bother you again, but Hatman says he needs a cerebral stabilizer to help him in using his new Tiger Woods golfing hat,” she cheerily said. NTU sighed and then picked up some spare parts that were scattered around the room. He got some of his tools and in 16.78 seconds whipped up the gadget Troia requested right before her eyes. “This should do.” “Thanks!” Troia said as she left the lab once again. Visionary gave NTU a puzzled look. “For someone who loves inventing, you sure seem less than enthused when you made that doohickey for Troia.” “I’m just tired, “ NTU replied. “Look, Vizh, I appreciate the offer, but I have to think about it. As it is, I don’t really see the point of my leaving.” “OK, well just let me know,” Visionary said in a rather disappointed tone as he turned to leave. As he pressed the console button to close the lab door, he wondered if NTU’s indecision was a sign that he needed a forty-seventh explanation from Lisa and Cheryl. NTU-150 stared at the destroyed work table that lay in two pieces on the floor. It had been quite a while since he had seen a mess like this in his lab. Of course, there had been a few accidents, but they had been few and far in-between compared to the old days. He knew that he had lied to Visionary about the reason for his lack of enthusiasm for the creation of Hatman’s device. Well, it was a half-truth anyway. He really was tired; tired of the dull tech work he had been doing recently. The reason his inventions hadn’t been going awry recently was because all the work he had been doing was rather standard. Particle beam cannons, subspace holding packs, anti-gravitational transport discs, these were all run of the mill technology for him. He knew this new Lair Legion was rather serious about their job as superheroes and they weren’t very receptive to unstable experimental stuff. And without Jarvis around to back him up when things went wrong, it didn’t seem like a good idea to test his new ideas at LL headquarters. So he stuck to making stuff he knew would work, stuff that wouldn’t blow people’s heads off. It was safe, but extremely dull and very confining. No massive power surges. No overly powerful ordnance for the insect lamps. Everything had to stay at safe and normal levels. He thought of his days as one of the League of Regulars. Back then, it was anything goes. The people there were his close friends and they understood why he did what he did (or at least they were used to it). Besides, when the base got trashed, it wasn’t that big of a setback. After all, their only major adversary then was Zemo and the League of Left Outs. If Vizh’s plan worked, he could concentrate more on really inventing again and not this mindless assembly he had been doing recently. And Bautista Enterprises had been pretty much running itself lately. He could just let his CEO handle it and have it continue to fund the Lair Legion. But of course this was Visionary’s plan. NTU remained confused. He decided to call up Visionary on his communicator to discuss the matter. Maybe then he could decide. NTU then wondered to himself: what if Visionary had just left the base? Maybe he was headed for Ausgard to talk to Donar. OK, perhaps Vizh had only left less than a minute ago, but he was a fast runner (he had seen Vizh run during a lot of battles) and maybe he was in a hurry to tell Donar. Yeah. He would have to up the signal of his communicator, wouldn’t he? Just a slight increase in the power… After making a few modifications, he activated his LL communicard. Within seconds, it began to glow and then smoke began to seep out of its sides. The card then blew up in a brilliant flash in front of his face. NTU then wiped the black soot from his faceplate. He then smiled as he activated the radio transceiver inside his helmet. He quickly locked unto Visionary’s communicard signal. “Vizh? It’s me, Enty. I’m in.” "Truly, these be the food of the gods!" Donar exclaimed in awe, helping himself to another package. "What do you mortals call these, again?" "Oreos" Lisa answered with a smile. "And that's nothing… Just wait 'til you try the double stuffs." "Thou hast once again proven thyself to be a lady of exquisite tastes!" he replied, trying one dipped in mead for good measure. "Now then, what was it you wished to request of me? Thou hast only but ask, and I shall do all in my power to grant it. After so great a treasure as these, I can only beg the chance to return the pleasure you've granted me." Lisa arched an eyebrow and studied him, but she was fairly sure he was only referring to things as decadent as cookies. Besides, best not to get distracted from the task at hand. "Vizh and I are leaving the Lair Legion… and we'd like you to come with us." Donar blinked, his mouth currently too full of chocolatey goodness to respond. Finally with a great gulp, he regained his powers of speech. "Surely this cannot be? Hast thou been offended by one of our teammates? Merely expose the cur and I shall obtain your apology post-haste!" "No, no…" Lisa assured, offering up another bag. "It's nothing like that… It's just, what with Christopher and all, maybe it's time I settled down to a quieter life. The thing is, we kind of can't retire, so we were hoping to form a team that's a bit more…" she groped for a proper word, but ultimately decided on the truth. "…Lazy." The powerhouse Legionnaire pondered this. "My lady…" he finally said, bowing his head to her ceremoniously, "It has long been mine heart's desire to protect this mortal realm from danger with all mine godly strength… but know you that the admiration and respect which I doth feel for you and your child supersedes even that. As such, I trust thou to make the judgement as to where I can best serve. Thou hast but to ask, and I am yours…" Lisa sighed. "Sure, you say that now…" It was almost enough to make her feel guilty for buttering him up with cookies. "I suppose the world needs you more than we do… after all, we're likely to spend all our considerable free time watching television or something." Donar's head snapped up. "Umm… what size television, might I ask?" Lisa feigned innocence. "I'm not really sure… it's one of those new HDTV things… bigger across than my arm span…" Donar chewed his lip. "I truly could not live with mineself if I thought that I had abandoned you in your hour of need…" The lawyer woman tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Well, if you like, you could always have a joint membership… After all, the LL does have those nifty comm-cards, and it's not like we're going to keep you too busy to respond to their call…" She gave him her most winning smile. "Here… have another Oreo…" "Donar's in" Lisa reported with a satisfied smirk as she met up with Visionary in his office. "Great!" the soon-to-be-ex-leader of the Lair Legion replied. "I didn't think you'd be able to talk him into retiring from the legion." Lisa sat down on his desk and struck a seductive pose. "I have my methods" she purred. Visionary looked at her dubiously. "What did you bribe him with? "Big screen, high definition television" she answered with a shrug. "By the way, I'd go easy on your credit charges for the rest of this month." Visionary and Lisa entered in the LL rec room where Yo and rabito were playing chess. "I think he is being learning" commented the genderless being cheerfully. "I see" Visionary answered dubiously, noticing that rabito was in the process of literally eating Yo’s queen. "Hey Yo, Lisa and I were wondering if you would be interested in…?" "Yes!!" Yo replied enthusiastically. "Umm, yes what?" "Yes you are wondering and yes Yo is being interesting…" the thought being explained succinctly. Visionary blinked, being somewhat confused. "You mean you are interested?" Yo grinned. "Yeah, that too." "And in what are you interested?" "You should be the one knowing it," Yo shrugged. "You asked…" Lisa put her hand to her head. "I don’t want to spoil the fun…but can you two stop this…now?" After Visionary and Lisa explained the whole new LoR group to Yo, the pure thought being pondered it. "Ummm…Yes, can be fun…and useful to have more space for rabito and rabito-likes…yes, Yo needs more space…even we can have more pets, right?..If we want to repopulate the happy place we should begin having more bunnies, yes? Fuzzy ones I mean…Yes, fuzzy, hopping bunnies everywhere, plenty and…happy, happy ones…so we need a big HQ with fuzzy rooms…" " Hey, hey…stop it…We never said anything about bunnies everywhere…" Visionary (who had more than once found a bunny of Yo's cuddled up inside his socks) quickly snapped. "Are you going to do monitor duty again..?" Yo asked, observing his friend speculatively. "If not, you…" "Yes, Visionary…You would make a wonderful everything-sitter… I don’t think there will be much to monitor in the LoR" Lisa added Visionary scowled at her. "You aren’t being helpful …" "I know" added Lisa with an evil grin "And if you can have this cute red hotline, Yo should have pets…" Yo decided. "LL doesn't like bunnies as much as they should... at least no this kind of fuzzy ones Yo is thinking… And then Yo is being tired of shifting to the kind of bunnies CZFB likes… silicone hurts…" Visionary stared at his friend. "Are you saying he really asked you to… umm…?" Lisa shrugged. "Well, I suggested it, our phone bills are not so expensive lately, right? You were the one complaining about all those calls to hotline numbers that nobody seemed to be responsible for… And Yo didn’t seem to mind it…" She brushed her hands together in satisfaction. "Well, that is settled then…see you later! Oh, and Yo? Begin to pack the bunnies…" added Lisa, looking evilly to her last (but not best) leader. "… 'specially the hopping fuzzy ones." "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU TWO THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?" the rather large dragon known as Fin Fang Foom screamed at them as they returned to the hallway. "I think word is getting out" Lisa noted calmly while Visionary retreated a few steps. "NTU just handed in his resignation… and said he was joining your team!" Finny snapped. "Since when is your team not the same as our team?!" Lisa shrugged. "It's not a big deal, Foomy…" she explained. "Some of us just need a slightly less hectic lifestyle." "What?" the dragon sniffed. "There's nothing wrong with hectic…" "I'm so glad you feel that way!" Lisa exclaimed happily. "Seeing as how your life is bound to grow considerably more hectic now that you're the new leader of the Lair Legion." "What?" the dragon repeated. "I'm…? Since when? I don't want to be leader, dammit!!!" "Huh…" Visionary said from behind Lisa, "Now that I hear somebody else say it, it does sound kind of whiny, doesn't it?" "Shut-up, fake man" the newly instated leader growled. "Why should I be leader?" "Because you're the longest running member of the team, making you the most experienced and respected." Lisa stated. "Besides, it should help keep you out of trouble." "I'll only be the longest running member because you're taking everybody else!!!" he snapped, then slumped a bit. "And how come you didn't ask me to join your new team?" "We figured you'd probably answer the phone" Visionary supplied helpfully. The dragon turned to Lisa. "What the hell is he talking about?" "Look, Finny… you're having a hard time grasping this, mainly because you're fighting a never ending battle against evil." Lisa explained. "Some of us are ready to call it a day and buy evil a beer if necessary… the team in a contrivance. We just want to take it easy for a while… understand?" A scowl crossed his huge maw. "But you, Donar, Yo and Enty… and, to a lesser extent, Vizh… are the heart of the Legion! What are we supposed to do?" "Recruit new members… call back some old ones… rebuild" Lisa suggested. "Heck, Donar isn't even fully leaving…he'll still be available when you need him. And we're only going as far as mainland Parodiopolis… It's not like we're moving to France or anything." Fin Fang Foom looked thoughtful. "Rebuild, eh?" he mused. Finally he shook his head. "Fine, if you feel the need for a change in your lives, I won't stand in your way." He leveled a great claw at them. "But stop recruiting from my team, dammit!" he bellowed. "But…" Visionary began. "But what?" Finny asked, showing a great many teeth. "Um… nothing." "I thought so..." He looked one last time towards Lisa. "We're going to miss you all…" "Well, sure… we'll likely be busy setting up shop…" Lisa answered. "But you and your team better damn well show up for our headquarters warming barbecue this weekend!" she insisted. Finny looked pained. "A… party?" He sighed. "Okay… if I have to… Hey, I'll even bring the waterbuffalo" He turned his great bulk and squeezed off down the hallway. "Now if you'll excuse me, I want to catch Enty before he packs up… I have this idea for battle shoes with retractable high-heels that I want him to look into for my new team!" They watched him go. "Um… he was just talking about high heels for the women, right?" Visionary asked. "Either way… it's not really our problem any more." Lisa noted. "Still… I get the feeling that things will likely be interesting around here in the days to come." "Are you sure this is going to work?" Goldeneyed called down from the roof of Cheryl and Visionary's condo for the third time. Much of his distress was no doubt due to the fact that he seemed to be hardwired to the structure by various electrical, coaxial and fiber-optic cables. "Positive" NTU answered from the shoreline of the island the condo was currently located on. "All this will boost your teleportation powers significantly… you won't even have to strain yourself. Hallie and I have run the simulation repeatedly. 95.7% of the time you and the house lands exactly where we want it, 4.25% of the time small fluctuations in space/time cause you to land eighteen inches to the left, and in only 0.05% of the time do you and the house end up in some odd void outside of time where you have to be rescued by a sexually active transforming robot from the future." "Wow" Visionary noted. "He really takes everything into account with his calculations." He looked to his wife. "So you were able to find a new location for it and our headquarters?" "Not exactly" she replied, handing him some paperwork. "More like an old location… It's the deed to the original LOR headquarters." "Um…" Visionary began, trying to think of the best way to say this. "Wasn't the old headquarters just some shack out in the middle of nowhere? I mean, sure it was bigger on the inside… but all the good stuff is now part of the LL mansion. Couldn't you find anything else?" Cheryl shrugged. "You were the people who said 'Find something low-key Cheryl! Something that will discourage people with problems to come looking for us, Cheryl!'… well, you get what you ask for." She put an arm around her husband. "Besides, the coast is nice, but I've always liked living by the mountains." "Um… I'm pretty sure it's actually a volcano" The former LL spokeswoman nodded towards their ragged but standing condo. "That has survived inter-dimensional warfare, alien invasions and world ending cataclysms… It's bounced around through time and space and everything in-between, and has acted as a staging base for both super heroes and villains… and you think a little thing like an active volcano is going to concern me?" Visionary was forced to admit that she had a point. Before he could respond however, NTU called into his communicator. "Is everything a go over there, Zebulon?" "Roger" the little elf's voice squeaked back over the comm-line. "Go ahead and light him up." "Wait…" Goldeneyed yelled from the roof. "Do what now?" NTU threw a switch, sending energy coursing through the various wires to converge on GE who, with one quite loudly exclaimed profanity, disappeared in a blinding flash of light taking the condo with him. When the light faded and they could all see again, NTU turned from the now vacant lot. "Do you have it?" he asked over the comm-line. "Um…" Zebulon replied quitely "Sort of." "Your condo is where now?" Lisa asked as they all gathered with their things outside of LL mansion. "Four feet under ground, apparently" Visionary grumbled. "But at least it's adjacent to the shack that is our new headquarters." "Bunnies enjoy being underground!" Yo pointed out happily "For the last time, Yo…" Lisa reminded him, "We're going with The League of Regulars. You were outvoted on the Fuzzy Bunnies of Parodiopolis name." NTU shrugged apologetically. "I must have forgot to carry the six when I was calculating the altitude. On the plus side, it's given me an idea… I can transport an old warehouse to a spot underneath our shack as well! We can have all the space we need, and still maintain our humble exterior…" "Assuming that Goldeneyed is willing to cooperate after Zebulon finishes digging the submerged half of him out of the ground." Cheryl reminded him. "In any event, we still have to burrow our way home" Visionary noted. "Bunnies like to…" "Um, Yo?" Cheryl interceded kindly. "Why don't you go see if Asil needs any help packing up Christopher's things? It might be best to tell Vizh about the bunnies later…" Yo nodded happily and bounded back inside. "Actually, there's more to it than just excavating an entrance." NTU pointed out, returning to the subject at hand. "I'm going to have to finish building the power generator, and the pump system for the underground river needs to be installed before we have any running water… and I suppose some sort of ventilation system might be helpful since we can't exactly open a window…" He sighed. "All in all, we can't move into the new place until Friday at the earliest." "So the headquarters isn't quite good to go…" Lisa said, nodding. "That's okay, we're still not off to such a bad start… We'll work out the bugs in no time. Now, as to the official line-up…" "Easy" Visionary stated. "We've got Lisa, Cheryl, Donar, Yo, Enty, Asil, Zebulon and myself… We're well over the six members we needed, even with Finny's ban on LL recruiting." "One problem, dear…" Cheryl said, reading over the legal textbook. "Asil, Zebulon and I don’t count." "Nay, fair lady" Donar chimed in. "All who doth stand for honor and… um… slacking off… doth count equally." "Not to the government" Cheryl corrected. "We need six 'established heroes', and by the definitions set down in the law, a team's PR spokeswoman, a clone of one of its members and its handyman don't count. None of us were ever members of the LL, just associates." "Aw, crap…" Visionary sighed. "Is it too late to return that big screen TV?" "You worry too much" Lisa said, producing a document. "Everyone sign here, and we're all set. I've already procured the sixth member." Visionary read the signature at the top of the page. "spiffy??" "Thou didst convince our old ally, the coatrack, to rejoin our ranks?" Donar asked with a note of surprise. "Not really… he said he was too busy, what with being mayor of everywhere." Lisa shrugged. "Instead, I just paid his secretary twenty bucks to slip it into the stack of papers that needed his official signature." She grinned. "While I was at it, I also had him requisition a jeep and grant Klinger a section eight." Visionary blinked. "So… is that it, then? Are we a team?" "We just need one more thing to qualify" Lisa noted, with a nod towards NTU. With a flourish, the inventor pulled the sheet off of a very large piece of equipment among their luggage. "I present to you… the LOR Hotline!" They are stood staring quietly for a moment. "Are you sure that's not the refrigerator?" Visionary managed finally. "Well… it has to be operating constantly if we're to obtain our government clearance" Enty pointed out defensively. "That means redundant features, a self-sustaining power supply, and a microwave receiver array just in case the phone line goes dead…. Besides, it's got wheels!" He demonstrated the portability offered by it before patting the huge red contraption proudly. "This baby could pick up distress calls from half a galaxy away!" He noted the looks on his teammates. "Not that we'd be answering them, mind you…" "Alright then… that'll work." Lisa marked it off of her checklist. "Next item is LOR leadership…" "No." "But Vizh…" "No." "You'd be…" "No." "Okay, we'll come back to that." Lisa decided as Yo and Asil returned with Christopher. "Well, looks like were all set to go!" They all stood there reveling in the moment. Then the moment passed. "Um…" Visionary said hesitantly. "Go where?" Donar pondered the query. “Mine friends.” He began. “Might I remind thee all that I haveth a 300 room castle twixt Ausgard’s golden boundaries?” All looked shocked, forgetting the fact that the big guy did indeed hail from a place besides Parodiopolis. “Wow..Uh…good idea, Do.” Vizh offered. “But..uh…what bus to we catch to get to Ausgard from here?" Donar smiled. “Tis easy, If thou canst all trust mine driving.” Donar begun to rapidly spin Malcolm over his head. Little arcs of electricity began to zap around them all, as their perspective was skewed, and a feeling of nausea and no balance overcame them. Ausgard’s visage began to fade into view as their previous surrounding faded, and with a loud bang, they were there. “Welcome Mine friends…Here…is Ausgard.” It certainly was. And so much of it. As far as they could see, there were castle spires, golden walls and pristine coastline. Creatures beyond definition and comprehension walked solidly through the main thoroughfare. The group, minus Donar, was a little awestruck. “Having been wishing I am that camera of mine did I bring with!” Yo remarked. “I know what you mean, Yo. Wow. A realm of Donars.” Lisa commented, not noticing the drool that was forming on her lower lip. “Feel free to drinketh in the sights, mine allies. There art one small matter I must attendeth to ere we trek forth unto mine abode. I shalt be but a moment.” Donar remarked as he trudged off towards the largest building anyone there had ever seen. “Wow.” Vizh said. “Wow.” “Very articulate of you, dear.” Cheryl complimented. “And well said. Twice. Where do we begin?” “I wanna see that place. The market looking thingy.” Enty finally proposed. He was having the hardest time with this place. Donar being a “God” was O.K. with him. As long as the big guy was on Earth, he was just another superhero. But here, surrounded by fantastic creatures, mythological beasts and surrealist architecture, it was sinking in that Donar was actually something else. And there were lots of “people” like him. “Heaven help us if they ever declare war on us for stealing their prince” Enty muttered under his breath as the troupe walked down among the citizens of Ausgard. “Yo be thinking Ausgardian peoples are being happy noble persons, Jamie.” Yo remarked, doing his best to calm the armoured one’s slight attack of paranoia. “Is not being bad they am all here, is being Donar’s family! Like we are!" “Maybe you’re just a little shaken up by the location, Enty” Cheryl added. “After all…you’re pretty incredible when it comes to technology, but this place is..well…magical.” Enty did a systems check. Cheryl was right. There did seem to be a fluctuation in his body functions. After a quick adjustment, he began to feel much better. “You were right, Cheryl.” Enty pointed out for those that missed the last few sentences. “It’s like they have a defensive grid to protect them from perception and attack by technological means…hence my armour was having a conflict with my common sense.” “HALT” A burly muscle bound warrior exclaimed. “By whose authority dost thou trespass in the Mall of the Gods?” This guy was big. Very Big. And very armed. “Uh..I guess I should say something” Vizh commented, forgetting that for a change, he wasn’t considered the leader..yet. “ahem. Uh..Me and mine friends art here as course of ourst needeth to..uh..peruse..yon fabrics of design hitherto clothes..no wait, attire, that we canneth wear to not looketh liketh..uh…” “SILENCE!” An even larger woman stepped forth from behind the guards. She word fine raiments and wielded a scythe in her left hand. “Tis obvious to all who canst see that thou doth not belong twixt Ausgard’s walls, nevermind so close to Highfather Oldman’s fortress. Where be thou from? Ye haveth the stench of Earth ‘pon thee…” Vizh went to reply as she spat out the “stench of Earth” part and decided it would be better if he shut the hell up. This was bad. Perhaps they should’ve just tried to get a hotel room or something. Moot point though. It appeared as though his silence angered the flaxen haired Valkerie even moreso. “They better not hurt Cheryl” he thought to himself. The warrior maiden raised her weapon high and prepared to smite the life from the interlopers. “STAY THY HAND, VALKYRIA, LEST THOU FEEL THE STING OF MJALCOLM CROSS THY BROW!!” They all looked towards the booming voice that had spared them their grisly fate. The guards, and their Lieutenant, kneeled and bowed to Donar as he approached them, now wearing robes and a helm not unlike the one he’d given to Hatman. “uuh..my Lord Prince Donar. We..we knew not that thou didst wish to slay these apes thyself..” Valkyria grovelled. “Still thy prattling tongue, Valkyria. I would also ask thou didst not refer to mine valiant friends as apes. Mine Father may be all-wise, but his views are somewhat distorted whenst it comes to matters of mine Mother’s realm, and of its occupants.” “These…are heroes?” “Aye.” Donar proudly pointed out. “They may not seem so to thee, but they art indeed heroes of the mortal realm, and I am proud to have them by mine side. Come now. Was it so long ago thou didst journey to Earth to recruit the honoured fallen to join the ranks of Valhalen?” The Valkerie turned on her knees, and bowed her head in shame. “Noble warrior.” She said to Visionary. “I have slighted thee and offended thy honor. My life’s fate is thine to decree.” “I think not” Cheryl objected. “One amazing blonde is enough, if you don’t mind.” “She art merely offering her life in penance of her actions. They were without honor or compassion.” Donar tried to clarify. “Huh?” Vizh replied in confusion. “She wants you to kill her.” Lisa re-clarified. “Oh..OH!!. No, no, that’s fine. I forgive you.” Valkyria stood again and reclaimed her weapon from Vizh’s feet. “Thou art indeed noble, human. And attractive…in an Earthlike way.” “Watch it, sister.” Cheryl warned. “Thou art pardoned, Valkyria. Take thy troop and begone. And forget not that thy life wert spared by this fearsome warrior.” Donar commanded. Vizh puffed up his chest. “Fearsome eh?” he remarked. “Aye…Cheryl couldst have very well slain thee where thou stood, valkerie.” Vizh’s chest went back to its previous un-puffed state. Her lesson learnt, she continued on her patrol. “Hey Do, is this how they treat all mortals?” Lisa queried. “If it is, I can understand how you’ve escaped my..uh..advances for so long.” “Nay” Donar reassured her. “There is a growing divide between Ausgard and Earth the longer that her Prince dost not stay to honor his duties here. Tis a matter for Gods. It shouldst not cause a wrinkle on thy most angelic face. Methinks mine Father hast been rambling again.” Donar looked rather distracted by this thought. “ Come. Let us trek unto Emoh S’ranod.” Donar held Mjalcolm aloft over his head. “We’re not doing that spinning-whirly-dimension-warping-Mjalcolm thing again are we?” Vizh complained. “Cause, if we do, I won’t be held responsible for the condition of your carpets when we get there…” “I’ll hurl too, Donar.” Enty added. “And with a faceplate on, that won’t make me a happy camper.” “Nay” He said, waving his weapon around. “I art hailing yon carriage.” A cart pulled up to them, drawn by two goats the size of horses. “Wherefore to?” the driver queried. “Donar’s place.” Lisa told him as she jumped in. “And hurry. We gotta get to bed..er..sleep.” Before too long, the travel weary group arrived at the elaborate front gates that lead into Donar’s castle. “Cool.” Enty said, admiring the metalwork. “It’s like someone tried building Graceland after a bowl of LSD.” Donar pushed on the gates, as they creaked open. “C’mon, Do…no lock? Are the people of Ausgard THAT trustworthy?” Cheryl asked. “Nay, not all.” Donar said. “But there are other deterrents. They all heard a distant barking that sounded more like thunder than anything else. In the low light of dusk, 2 pairs of red glowing eyes could be seen barrelling towards them. All clung closely to Donar..some a little closer than others. Lisa had actually been clinging since the carriage ride. The growls and barks continued as the two hounds leapt through the air like lightning, ready to slay any would be thief. Upon contact with Donar’s chest, they began to savagely lick his face. “Down, boys..down!” The dogs refrained their affectionate attack and sat at their master’s feet. “My friends, I would liketh thee to meet Kjelpie and Hjeeler, my Stormhounds.” Lisa knelt an patted Kjelpie on the head. He responded my licking her face and hands. “If only your master would learn to do that” she mumbled. They continued along the road until, from the mist, stood Emoh. Donar drew Mjalcolm from his belt, pointed it at the drawbridge, that was then struck by lightning. The clank of ancient chains sounded and the mouth of the castle yawned before them. “Would thou all mind wiping thy feet?” Donar asked. He was a little house-proud, even if he had been away for a while. As each person entered, they did so, wiping their feet on the huge goatskin with “WELCOMETH” embroidered into it. As they entered the castle, a hundred torches on the walls lit themselves to illuminate the great hall. Everyone followed Donar as he showed them through his once home. “And here art the toilet…the bathing rooms…the bedding rooms….the gamesroom..” “What’s the difference between the last two, big fella?” Lisa flirted. Donar continued. “..The Topiary…and finally, the boiler room. Not mucheth to look at, but it shouldst explaineth any sounds ye doth hear that are not ghosts or demons hell bent on revenge.” All were pretty much silent from that point on. Donar informed them that they were invited to a feast, but felt it better that his friends were not introduced to Oldman until they were fully clued in as to his mannerisms, and overwhelming presence. As he could see the looks of hunger on everyone’s faces, he proudly produced Twinkies and Pop Tarts from his knapsack. Never let it be said that Donar is not a gracious host. All in all, the week's stay in Ausgard was bound to prove interesting. FROM THE JOURNAL OF VISIONARY: AUGUST 1, 2000 WELL, I FINALLY DID IT. I FINALLY FOUND WALDO. CHERYL WAS SO PROUD; IT ONLY TOOK ME TWO WEEKS THIS TIME! OH, AND I CREATED A NEW SUPERHERO TEAM. OOPS, GOTTA GO. THE TELETUBBIES ARE ON!! TINKIE-WINKIE IS MY FAVORITE... "OK, Doodyhead, drop the crayons and eat carpet!!!!" ordered a grim-faced Asil, her NTU-150-created, SafeT1st™ stun-gun cocked and set to liquefy. Lisa, known affectionately to her closest friends as "that shyster slut from hell," looked up guiltily from her handiwork in Vizh's private diary. "Look, kid, I was only trying to protect the guy. Years from now, when archivists (and/or the National Defense Council) get ahold of this book, they'll realize that Vizh (and/or his estate) cannot possibly be held responsible for all the destruction the new LoR will wreak..." Holstering her weapon, Asil's expression turned to bewilderment. "Destruction? What destruction? Led by the glorious and mind-bendingly brilliant Visionary, the League of Regulars will triumph over any and all adversity!" Lisa grimaced and made a mental note to buy additional liability insurance for the reconstituted team. "Riiiiight... um, by the by, listen closely, clone girl. Whatever else you do, don't EVER pick up that red phone over there, 'k?" "Of course I won't, yo-yo drawers; I'm not stupid..." Lisa began to deliver a sigh of relief that died instantly in her throat as Asil smoothly continued. "...Answering the government hotline is Yo's job. And, get this, she/he/it has taken 53 messages already. I guess that means we're officially in business!!!" "........" "Yes, I'm pretty choked up about it myself," Asil proudly sniffled. "I can't wait to find our incomparable Visionary and tell him the wonderful news. He'll be just too thrilled!" Lisa's look of horror slowly mutated into an evil grin. "Please promise that you'll let me watch," she begged. The End A bold step backwards, brought to you by the combined talents of Visionary, NTU-150, Yo, Cheryl, Donar & Lisa |
| "The Return of the Regulars" (A bold step backwards, brought to you by the combined talents of Visionary, NTU-150, Yo, Cheryl, Donar & Lisa) (24-Jul-2000 22:52:07) |
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